Captain America: Civil War Review
by TipsyFics
Summary: WARNING: Contains spoilers from Captain America: Civil War. Rated T for general bad mouthing and listed under humor, because I think I'm funny.
A/N: Please be advised, this entire story was written after consuming copious amounts of alcohol. Plot, typos, and general grammar are not to be taken seriously. All authors notes will be written whilst sober. You have been warned.

Woooooaaaaah there buddy. So you're here because you saw Captain America: Civil War and wanted to delve into the honey nut feelios of some of the more specific instances of gay super soldier husbands. Or not. Either way you're going to get that here. Basically don't read this if you ahven't seen the movie. Here we go:

I have an outline…somewhere of what I wanted to talk about. You know when you're so deseperatley deep into a fandom and you look at something and do that really hard/pathetic laugh and sort of feel like you're going to dissolve into tears immediately afterwards? That's how I felt the entire movie and have felt afterwards too.

I MEAN COME ON. I WAITED TWO YEARS FOR THIS AND THEN I DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN WHILE WATCHING THIS MOVIE.

Every scene I couldn't believe I was alive and seeing this with my eyeballs. Age of Ultron is the kind of movie that this movie eats for breakfast. Or takes a dump on. Because come on that was Crap compared to Civil war. (Why do they call it CIVIL war. There was nothing civil about this?)

So before I internally (or externally?) combust from not talking about this with someone, let's get down to it (why do I feel like I've already had a set up to this. Whatever)

OKAY OKAY SO REMEMBER THAT PART when Bucky goes "I remember all of them" ? I've never been a religious person in my lfie but oh LORD. I think my soul exited my body waved at me and then ascended to heaven. I WAS SO ALIVE. And ded at the same time because duh. I MEAN JESUS HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME RUSSO BROS

AND AND that scene where Buck (mhm good shit) was like "MY NAME IS BUCKY" and then we ALL know that it was pictured on screen but Steve was like "mhm bby you tell him" and it was so gay and excellent and everyone in my theatre screamed and threw popcorn in excitement (not really but I WISH)

ACTUALLY speaking of steve when he turns to Bucky and goes "oh remember when" sooooooo casually and Bucky is like YEAH and then I just UGH. How can people write this stuff without thinking there is some gay subtext (OR REGULAR TEXT) (is that how it works?) going on here. QUEER THE SCRIPT QUEER THE SCRIPT QUEER THE SCRIPT. WE DO IT IN CLASS. I'M JUST APPLYING MY BRAIN STUFF KNOWLEDGE THINGS TO THIS MOVIE

Anyway

Maybe being sick AND drunk is not the best thing when writing this

Let's move on class

ALSO SEND ME HOME RIGHT NOW because that scene when Bucky my perfect sweet summer child LAUGHS in Steve Rogers' (aka boyfriends who are super gay and super soldiers) FACE about wearing newspapers in his shoes and Steve is like "Sam dude it's fine he's cool now" and Sam is all hot and bothered (but not like that, he's literally hot. And literally bothered by this. Calm down guys) and says "wtf why we trust this hot man? I mean wot?" And steve and bucky are just making heart eyes at each other. UGH I WAS DECEASED. Reblog if you agree. Do it.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BEATLE (you best believe I was going to get a beatle reference in there) Or I believe the correct spelling would be beetle in this instance. I'm listening to music. SO THEY'RE IN THIS FUNKY LITTLE CLOWN CAR RIGHT? And steve (god lord) the HULKING MAN THAT HE IS just walks out of that car like no big deal. MHM GOOD SHIT.

Ew but then there's the steve/Sharon kiss, which we won't discuss.

EXCEPT I WILL BECAUES NO. NO. GAY HUSBANDS FOREER OKAY

So then back to sam and bucky in the vroom vroom vehicle and Bucky saying "move your seat up nerd" and sam is like "lols new number who dis?" and bucky is all grumpy old man and moves over. YUPP. YOU ALL KNOW.

That was the true star moment of the film and we all know it.

OH. Wanda and Vision? Those silly robots. Wait neither of them are robos. Hmmm if vision WERE a robot he would totally be a little…what are those round vacuum things called that move on their own?IT'S A ROOMBA HAHAHA VISION IS A ROOMBA and Scarlet Witchy witch watch vitch latch dash is a kitty cat that follows it around. Not in a creep way come on now.

Is paprika supposed to be a synonym for something? Haha cinnamon. No, I mean a eUPHAMISM for something? Like hello, wanna sniff some of this paprika? That makes negative sense.

Speaking of food. BUCKY BUYING PLUMS. Where did he get money tho. That was SO adorable AND (!) HE HAD CHOCOLATE IN HIS APARTMENT and a picture of steve in the notebook underneath because you gotta keep your sweets together right!? AYYYYEEE

I forgot a Bucky and Sam moment (BROS FOR LIFE YO) when they're laying there in the airport (*cue CNN playing somewhere in the background) and they're held down by that web stuff and they're like I hate you. No you guys don't. NO. You love each other and you know it. Or they're JEALOUS CAUSE THEY BOTH LOVE STEVE. Well get in line pals, I've been on this train wreck since high school and that was not as long as Bucky and Steve's relationship but we'll make do with it at this point.

Black Panther was….amazing but also TERRIFYING. I don't know what to make of his character yet. I like him but I feel on the fence. I mean I'm no TONY STANK fan but Tchalla could win me over. I'm not sure where I was going with that. ALSO HAVING TO WAIT UNTIL 2018 FOR HIS MVOIE? NO.

Nat and Clint though. Whedon can piss right off with his Hulk crap. I suddenly want Jamba Juice. Wow, it's like that was about as relevant as the hulk/widow love story.

There is a clear theme here of me hating on the hetero "canon" storylines. I've gone too deep into feminism. ANYWAY

So when Nat is like we're still friends and Clint is like "depends how hard you hit me" if this were any normal nonjosswhecrap post film, I'd be like YEAH GIRL. HIT HIM HARD AGAINST A WALL (you know when they bone? It makes sense in my head) but NOOOOO we can't say that now because Clint flint mint has a FAMILY (which is really cute but come awn man)

I'd rather walk backwards through a thousand hellfires than admit that Age of Ultyawn was canon. Though I guess I have too. Seeking: a thousand hellfires to walk backwards through

Also TONY STANK. Tony does STANK INDEED STAN LEE (or fedex man if you're down with that) Look, I get that the death of his parents is sad (I was tearing up in the movie theatre) but COME ON DUDE. You can NOT hurt my boyfriends/husbands like this. JUST LET THEM LIVE (literally). Steve Rogers (ugh) has been basically focusing his whole life after the ice on trying to find a way to get Bucky back as soon as he knew that he was back (Backstreet boys are back alright! Is that how the song goes?) And then tony is like "we were also friends" no you were not. You were friendly advisories at best. That is totally different my friendo. You're not my friend though go away stank man

I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT SPIDERMAN! I have never ever ever been a fan of spiderman. Like ever. Even when I was kinda sorta dating this guy who loved spider man I was like dude no. Wtf is wrong with you.

But this spiderman WAS PRETTY DOPE. He finally doesn't look like a thirty year old man and he's dorky and cute and just the total spidey package. The metaphors that are supposed to go along with spidey are great too. A nerdy guy in high school who shoots white stuff? Come on. I took an entire graphic novel class and we discussed how he's a huge metaphor for teen boy post-puberty…stuff

But he was great I MEAN HE REFERENCED STAR WARS DURING A BATTLE WITH OTHER AVENGERS. WHAT A NERD! I love it. Is he getting his own movie by the way? I dunnooooooo

SO IN CONCLUSION. Captain America: Civil War (more like Captain America: The Adventures of Super Gay Super Soldiers) was amazing. It made me want to scream and cry at the same time (something I had to suppress when I was in public surrounded by other people). It has opened a dead piece of my STucky heart that I thought would never see the light of day. It killed me and brought me back to life.

WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE END CREDITS SCENE (not the spidey one) WTF BUCKY? I'm so….displeased is a nice way to say ANGRY WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND BEES about willingly going under cryo freeze again. I mean what in the hell? Whatever. I just try not to think about it. I'll just read some fanfics and force the pain away.

Your move Marvel. I have been cleansed of my feels (not actually lol if you follow me on Tumblr, sorry if you do, then you know that I'm a wreck 24/7).


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